The Car Jacking : Fowl Play

We spend a lot of time at the car wash. Having two small children, we tend to always need to clean out the car! Crushed up cheerios, random glitter, and piles of bows seem to always make their way with other little odd bits into the floorboard, seats etc...and to keep some minimal sanity in my life, I go to the car wash more then your average joe.

 We dropped Charlie off at school, and Cam and I decided to go do our weekly car detail duty. When we pulled up I noticed the amount of birds, and how loud they were. Now, I am already not a fan of the creepy little things. Birds have always freaked me out. Their feathered bodies potentially infested with lice perched on the reptile-ish little legs ...it is just creepy! After the events described below, I feel like my gut feeling about these guys was dead on.

Things were fine and we were all just minding our business... until I opened the passenger door. I guess the goldfish were just too much temptation for one of these feathered friends, because before I could even grasp what was happening he jumped not on, not beside, but INTO my car. Squacking like he was giving me his lunch order, pecking about at my freshly cleaned floor mats!!
 Is this real life?! At first I thought he was confused, and would hop right out...but he stayed!

I jumped back and tried to shoo him out, but this little guy was determined to stay in my car. By the time he jumped onto the console I was now yelling, Cam had moved to the back hatch area and was screaming as if the bird was yielding a weapon, and demanding it to " GET OUT OF MY CAR!".  We had a hostage situation.

I had never put down the vaccum, and when he hobbled his way down to the floorboard I thought I would help him along (NO, relax i didn't suck him up!) but i did unsteady his fat little body and he kinda fell sideways. Between our yelling, and the vaccum, I guess we scared him as much as he scared us! In fact we scared the actual poo out of him....right there on my clean floor mats (which is further proof that my car just cannot be clean more then 30 seconds!) " Oh God!!!" I yelled "MAMA YOU SAY OH GOODNESS" Cam corrects me from the back, "NO CAM! I AM CALLING TO HIM FOR HELP!!!!" I am just about positive I was going to have to shut the door, drive home, and tell my husband to deal with it, (or grab a cat, shut the door and let nature happen) when suddenlly the bird gets this wild eye look and almost in slow motion... he charges!!!!! I smacked him down with a hair bow Cam had thrown up at him earlier and I shut the door. Yes I shut the door....I shut my child in the car with the devil car jacking bird, I panicked...sorry! So I fling the door open gasping " Cam it is OK, He is nice, he is just lost...he is ni---NOOOOOOO!" HE AGAIN COMES RUNNING UP THE CONSOLE! I poked him back down with the vaccum...

He was now yelling, and latched onto the soiled mat, when I decided that is it! Enough is enough... I decided to be brave and simply jerk the mat out and figured he would fly off. The darn bird did not. So now I am beating this mat full of bird poop, with the bird still attached against my car like a raging psycho. Cam is crying at this point because it pooped in the car. I look up to see the attendant just watching, and I couldn't handle it. I began laughing uncontrollably. You know, that nervous can't make it stop, gonna pee my pants, I have lost it laugh.....yea I did that.

On my third swat of the rug the feathered terrorist fllings itself forward, bounces off me and flutters off to freedom. I am gagging now, bird poop on my mat, bird feathers on my shirt....still cross legged laughing with a child screaming in terror in the back. I regained control, calmed Cam and cleaned up the crime scene. I spent the next three days spraying thieves on everything because I just felt violated, and contaminated.

So if you see me acting sketchy at the car wash, it isn't drugs, and I am not dodging you...I am simply at war with mother nature.